final thoughts: grieving, feelings & moving on

With having gone through everything we did last week, I really do have a lot on my mind.  A lot that I haven’t shared and some that I have.  But I want to have some last thoughts on how I’m feeling, how I’m dealing and how I plan to “move forward”.  This might get lengthy, so if you read it all, great, if not, I hope you come back soon to read some more fun & upbeat posts {Bakin’ Friends reveal day is FRIDAY…and it’s a good one}. 

So, here goes nothing.

I think over the past week, I’ve felt pretty much every emotion possible…

Excited:  I was SO excited to hear bean’s heartbeat♥ for the 1^st time.  I remember how much I loved hearing Dafney’s and how much comfort it gave me each time we heard it.  It was something I’d been looking forward to since we found out we were pregnant.  Though I haven’t had much excitement since finding out about bean, I’m starting to look forward to some other things, which at times has me a bit excited.  I look forward to some warmer weather & some more quality time with Dafney – fun things like that.  I know that someday in the {near} future, I’ll feel true excitement about things again and the sadness will go away, but for now, I’m taking baby steps to get to that point.

Nervous:  I was SO damn nervous for our appointment.  I was nervous that it would take a long time to find the heartbeat, nervous they wouldn’t find one at all and nervous something would be truly wrong. 

Scared:  I was scared that bean was not all right.  And, now I’m scared that we won’t be able to get pregnant again, or this will happen to us again.  I know that I can’t live my life in constant fear, but it’s all to new & real to me at this point in time.  I’m sure that in time, that fear will start to diminish & we will be able to enjoy the next journey {if God is kind and allows that path for us}.

Sadness:  I felt such sadness when we first found out that bean didn’t have a heartbeat.  I don’t know when the sadness will go away – but I am sure this is something that I will look back on for days/weeks/months to come.  I still have sad moments/days, but even within the last week, I can tell those moments are farer & fewer between.  And, the fact that I know I will have “tough” days is something I understand & allow myself to have, which helps with the healing & dealing process.

Heartache:  I felt heartache like I hadn’t felt in years when everything sunk in about bean.  It’s unexplainable, but my heart literally ached.  Does it still hurt, of course, but I’m a firm believer that time heals all. 

Guilt:  I felt guilty that I had done something to harm bean.  I still feel this immense guilt – a feeling of certainty that I did something wrong along the way.  Whether it was something simple like a little too much caffeine or having Dafney sleep in my lap a couple nights when she was having trouble sleeping.  Regardless, I struggle with this more than anything.  As a Mother, you want to do everything right for your child{ren}…and that includes when they’re in your belly.  More than anything I hope this overwhelming guilt goes away…I think it makes a tough situation even harder. 

No matter what you think, miscarriage is a “death”.  Yes, I never actually met my bean, but it’s still a loss.  One that is tough.  One that is often grieved alone {or with your partner}.  It’s not something that you will necessarily tell that lady sitting next to you at the Coffee Shop, or that person you “sort of know at work” or that {nosey} neighbor of yours.  It’s something that, for the most part, I’ve kept to myself.  It’s difficult to have something taken away from you in an instant.  One second you think you’re pregnant with a healthy babe and the next, well, you’re not.  It hurts and it’s painful.  I know that so many people {both men AND women} think that a miscarriage is “minor”.  They think since you “didn’t even meet your baby” or “you were just barely pregnant” that it should be a breeze to get through, but it’s not.  I’ve always been a firm believer that the second you find out you’re pregnant, you’re a Mother and those motherly instincts immediately kick in.  And though I understand it’s not quite like losing your Grandma or Grandpa, or Mother, or Father or even a friend, it still is a loss.  Regardless of having met him/her, bean was still my baby!

Sometimes words hurt…

This has been my first time in this situation and I’ve realized that words can hurt even when the person is trying to be helpful & nice.  The thing that’s been the most tough to hear is: but at least you have one child.  Yes, you’re right, I do have one child, but it certainly doesn’t take away the pain of losing a child even if it’s early in pregnancy.  It also stunk when people would say: you should be thankful you could get pregnant.  Again, yes, I know how very lucky I am,  but seriously, it hurts to hear that.  Other things that were {somewhat} hurtful and not helpful:

There must have been something wrong with your baby. – Really?  You think that makes it better?  Like what, I’m supposed to jump for joy that God took away a sweet life because there might have been something wrong?  No – if anything, I almost took it as a jab towards my & my Hubby, like something was wrong with us for making a baby that “had something wrong”.

I know how you must feel – I’m guessing you don’t.  And, even if you’ve been through this same thing, you might have an idea how I feel, but I don’t want to hear that.  Maybe I am/was just overly sensitive, but it certainly wasn’t a helpful thing to hear.

It’s okay, you can try again soon – Really?  I mean come on people, take of your insensitive pants and get with the program.  The first thing I wanted to say was “no, it’s actually not okay, it’s not okay at all” and 2^nd, trying again is the last thing on my mind {or at least it was last  week}.  I’m still trying to handle this time, let alone think about what will happen if there’s a next time.  Some people just have no clue.

I had this same thing happen to me and I was able to have children after.  That’s really great and all, but hearing you tell me this 10 minutes after I found out our news isn’t something I care to hear.  I know, I know – I’m being a tad on the bi*chy side, but, at that time, I truly didn’t want to hear anyone else’s story.  Honestly, I selfishly wanted to just hear an “I’m sorry” and that’s all.  That said – knowing that people do have miscarriages and go on to have healthy, normal pregnancies is now a comfort.  I can only hope that the same will go for us.

Misconceptions about miscarriages…

The biggest misconception I had about miscarriages was that I would absolutely, 100% know if/when I had miscarried.  I was always concerned about seeing blood when going to the bathroom or having extremely painful cramps; in which case, {in my head} meant “miscarriage”.  However, after all of this, I know how untrue this statement is.  I had absolutely, 100% NO IDEA that I had miscarried.  I was never in pain, I never had {major} bleeding, and most importantly, I still felt pregnant.  I still was feeling nauseous, had sore breasts and honestly, just felt pregnant.  Now I know that sometimes your body just doesn’t respond to a miscarriage {which was the case in my situation}.

The next misconception I had about miscarriages was that you’re usually pretty “safe” after 8 weeks.  Again, after hearing more about other’s situations, I know that miscarriages happening around weeks 8-12 is fairly common. 

Another misconception…miscarriages aren’t that common.  Actually, it happens to 20% {or 1 out of every 5} of pregnancies.  I mean, when you think about it, that’s a fairly common occurrence.  The one thing I didn’t know is if it happens once, the likelihood of you having a miscarriage again is still 20% - you aren’t more/less likely to have a miscarriage again just because you’ve had one. 

What I’ve learned…

I’ve learned that you can’t even begin to understand or know the heartache that comes with having a miscarriage until you’ve actually had one.  It’s harder than I ever imagined and something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone…EVER {um…let me clarify, I never wished this upon anyone prior to having this happen…I’m really not a mean person}.  I know that everyone deals & copes differently, but for me, I learned that I really needed some space and time to sort everything out in my head.  I personally didn’t want to hear anything from anyone – I just wanted to understand things first before hearing what everyone else had to say/think {because everyone always has something to say}.

I learned that I really, really, really want to have a 2^nd child.  If you would have asked me prior to us getting pregnant or even right after we found out we were pregnant, I would have told you that I wasn’t quite sure about having a 2^nd and how tough of a time I was having knowing that Dafney wouldn’t be my only child any longer.  But, after going through this, I truly realized how much I want a 2^nd child.  Not only do I want a 2^nd, I realized that you can’t ever be really ready and that now is just as good of time as any. 

Most importantly, I’ve learned that I will get through this.  It may take time and that’s okay, but I will heal emotionally and be better!  As with any loss, there is a grieving period and with time, things will get better and your heart & mind WILL heal.  I’ve learned that it’s okay to grieve and that I shouldn’t feel bad for how I’m feeling nor should I compare myself to others and how they grieved, healed or moved on.

So what’s next…

Obviously I don’t know what the future holds for us and our family, but I’m hopeful that we’ll be blessed with another healthy pregnancy & child.  The one thing that has been lingering in my mind lately is something my Hubby said to me a couple days ago.  He said that his Dad asked if we were going to try again after what we’d just gone through, and my Hubby plain & simply said “I don’t know”.  I think in some respects, he and I might be on different pages when it comes to our situation and where we want to go from here.  I have no doubt in my mind that I want to try again.  Whereas I feel like he’s either not quite there or isn’t totally sure.  Regardless I want us to BOTH be 100% sure about having another child.  I’m not always the most patient person, especially when it’s something I really, REALLY want, but I know deep down that we have to both be ready.  I know that I’ll be ready to start trying {much} sooner than my hubby probably will be and I know that I will have a difficult time with that – but I’ll need to remind myself that “good things come to those who wait”. 

I’m hoping to keep busy with my daughter and even start a cooking class in the near future!  I hope to get back to exercising and keeping myself healthy in preparation for another pregnancy.  I plan to relax, take things one day at a time and enjoy the wonderful gifts in my life.  I will continue to pray for our future and hope it holds another child in our future.  Lastly, I plan to spend some more quality time with my Hubby – I hope we can have monthly date nights {as I mentioned in my V-Day post} and have some much needed time together. 

With all that said, thanks for listening!  I appreciate having this small space on the interwebs to express my thoughts, feelings, rants & raves. 

xoxo