Dafney Harper

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Friday, February 28, 2014

Bakin' Friends - February = CHOCOLATE {duh}!


Can you believe that I used to {gulp} not like chocolate?  The horror, I know!  But after I had my daughter, I craved this stuff like it was going out of style.  I don’t know why, but probably because it was staring me in the eye and I pretty much ate anything quick & easy when I was first home with Dafney.  Don’t tell me I’m the only person to have had chocolate for breakfast & lunch?!



Oh yeah, back to the real point of this post – BAKIN’ FRIENDS REVEAL DAY!  You guessed it this month’s secret ingredient was chocolate.  Yummy, sweet, melty chocolate!  And boy was I spoiled.  This month I received treats from TWO people {I totally messed up on my match-ups…sorry again, Melanie}.  However, today I’m only posting about one because I totally forgot to send Melanie my new address {no seriously, SORRY Melanie}!  So, it’ll be like a double feature and I’ll post about the goodies she sent once I get them from my parents.



Today I’m going to tell you about the prettiest, most creative, chocolate-cake goodness that I received from Steph over at Stephs Bite by Bite.  She seriously treated me to something tasty!  She made Chocolate Valentine’s Day Surprise Loaf Cake!  It was decorated so nicely for Valentine’s Day!  I just love, love, LOVE all things pink – so the decorations alone won me over! 



And, when I cut into it, I was totally surprised and completely AMAZED!  I mean, there was a heart in the middle of the cake.  Hello creativity!  It was almost too beautiful to eat.  Almost.  One bite and I was hooked!  It had a nice dense-ness to it, but was moist and full of chocolate-y goodness!  Luckily for me, the Hubby isn’t a big chocolate lover, so I ate the whole thing.  Don’t judge.





You DEFINITELY want to try this…so here’s the receipe:

Ingredients
  • 10 tablespoons unsalted butter
  • 1 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 cup fat free Greek yogurt
  • 3 large eggs
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 1/4 cups flour
  • 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 cup chocolate chips, divided
  • 1 frozen pound cake, cut into even 3/4-inch slices
Instructions
  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Spray a loaf pan with cooking spray.
  2. In the bowl of a stand mixer beat the butter and sugar. Then beat in the eggs, yogurt, and vanilla. Scrape down the sides if needed.
  3. Add in the flour, cocoa powder, and baking powder and beat until everything is combined. Add in 1/4 cup of chocolate chips and stir in.
  4. Using a small cookie cutter or paring knife, cut a heart out of each slice of pound cake.
  5. Pour half of the cake batter in to the loaf pan. Then, line up all the pound cake hearts, placing them in a straight line down the center of the loaf pan. You'll want to lay the hearts on their side so that they fit down in the batter. Cover the hearts with the remaining batter.
  6. Sprinkle the remaining chocolate chips on top and, if you want, some decorative sprinkles.
  7. Bake cake for 40 - 50 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Remove cake from oven and let sit for 20 minutes. Then turn cake out on to cooling rack.

Thank you so much, Steph for the amazingly delicious treats!


Interested in joining &/or want more details?  Check out the {Bakin Friends} tab at the top of my blog or email me at: leahmarie.mackenzie@gmail.com!  Seriously, who doesn't love getting DELICIOUS FOOD in the mail?

Happy Friday Friends!

Thursday, February 27, 2014

final thoughts: grieving, feelings & moving on

With having gone through everything we did last week, I really do have a lot on my mind.  A lot that I haven’t shared and some that I have.  But I want to have some last thoughts on how I’m feeling, how I’m dealing and how I plan to “move forward”.  This might get lengthy, so if you read it all, great, if not, I hope you come back soon to read some more fun & upbeat posts {Bakin’ Friends reveal day is FRIDAY…and it’s a good one}. 

So, here goes nothing.

I think over the past week, I’ve felt pretty much every emotion possible…

Excited:  I was SO excited to hear bean’s heartbeat for the 1st time.  I remember how much I loved hearing Dafney’s and how much comfort it gave me each time we heard it.  It was something I’d been looking forward to since we found out we were pregnant.  Though I haven’t had much excitement since finding out about bean, I’m starting to look forward to some other things, which at times has me a bit excited.  I look forward to some warmer weather & some more quality time with Dafney – fun things like that.  I know that someday in the {near} future, I’ll feel true excitement about things again and the sadness will go away, but for now, I’m taking baby steps to get to that point.

Nervous:  I was SO damn nervous for our appointment.  I was nervous that it would take a long time to find the heartbeat, nervous they wouldn’t find one at all and nervous something would be truly wrong. 

Scared:  I was scared that bean was not all right.  And, now I’m scared that we won’t be able to get pregnant again, or this will happen to us again.  I know that I can’t live my life in constant fear, but it’s all to new & real to me at this point in time.  I’m sure that in time, that fear will start to diminish & we will be able to enjoy the next journey {if God is kind and allows that path for us}.

Sadness:  I felt such sadness when we first found out that bean didn’t have a heartbeat.  I don’t know when the sadness will go away – but I am sure this is something that I will look back on for days/weeks/months to come.  I still have sad moments/days, but even within the last week, I can tell those moments are farer & fewer between.  And, the fact that I know I will have “tough” days is something I understand & allow myself to have, which helps with the healing & dealing process.

Heartache:  I felt heartache like I hadn’t felt in years when everything sunk in about bean.  It’s unexplainable, but my heart literally ached.  Does it still hurt, of course, but I’m a firm believer that time heals all

Guilt:  I felt guilty that I had done something to harm bean.  I still feel this immense guilt – a feeling of certainty that I did something wrong along the way.  Whether it was something simple like a little too much caffeine or having Dafney sleep in my lap a couple nights when she was having trouble sleeping.  Regardless, I struggle with this more than anything.  As a Mother, you want to do everything right for your child{ren}…and that includes when they’re in your belly.  More than anything I hope this overwhelming guilt goes away…I think it makes a tough situation even harder. 

No matter what you think, miscarriage is a “death”.  Yes, I never actually met my bean, but it’s still a loss.  One that is tough.  One that is often grieved alone {or with your partner}.  It’s not something that you will necessarily tell that lady sitting next to you at the Coffee Shop, or that person you “sort of know at work” or that {nosey} neighbor of yours.  It’s something that, for the most part, I’ve kept to myself.  It’s difficult to have something taken away from you in an instant.  One second you think you’re pregnant with a healthy babe and the next, well, you’re not.  It hurts and it’s painful.  I know that so many people {both men AND women} think that a miscarriage is “minor”.  They think since you “didn’t even meet your baby” or “you were just barely pregnant” that it should be a breeze to get through, but it’s not.  I’ve always been a firm believer that the second you find out you’re pregnant, you’re a Mother and those motherly instincts immediately kick in.  And though I understand it’s not quite like losing your Grandma or Grandpa, or Mother, or Father or even a friend, it still is a loss.  Regardless of having met him/her, bean was still my baby!

Sometimes words hurt…

This has been my first time in this situation and I’ve realized that words can hurt even when the person is trying to be helpful & nice.  The thing that’s been the most tough to hear is: but at least you have one child.  Yes, you’re right, I do have one child, but it certainly doesn’t take away the pain of losing a child even if it’s early in pregnancy.  It also stunk when people would say: you should be thankful you could get pregnant.  Again, yes, I know how very lucky I am,  but seriously, it hurts to hear that.  Other things that were {somewhat} hurtful and not helpful:

There must have been something wrong with your baby. – Really?  You think that makes it better?  Like what, I’m supposed to jump for joy that God took away a sweet life because there might have been something wrong?  No – if anything, I almost took it as a jab towards my & my Hubby, like something was wrong with us for making a baby that “had something wrong”.

I know how you must feel – I’m guessing you don’t.  And, even if you’ve been through this same thing, you might have an idea how I feel, but I don’t want to hear that.  Maybe I am/was just overly sensitive, but it certainly wasn’t a helpful thing to hear.

It’s okay, you can try again soon – Really?  I mean come on people, take of your insensitive pants and get with the program.  The first thing I wanted to say was “no, it’s actually not okay, it’s not okay at all” and 2nd, trying again is the last thing on my mind {or at least it was last  week}.  I’m still trying to handle this time, let alone think about what will happen if there’s a next time.  Some people just have no clue.

I had this same thing happen to me and I was able to have children after.  That’s really great and all, but hearing you tell me this 10 minutes after I found out our news isn’t something I care to hear.  I know, I know – I’m being a tad on the bi*chy side, but, at that time, I truly didn’t want to hear anyone else’s story.  Honestly, I selfishly wanted to just hear an “I’m sorry” and that’s all.  That said – knowing that people do have miscarriages and go on to have healthy, normal pregnancies is now a comfort.  I can only hope that the same will go for us.

Misconceptions about miscarriages…

The biggest misconception I had about miscarriages was that I would absolutely, 100% know if/when I had miscarried.  I was always concerned about seeing blood when going to the bathroom or having extremely painful cramps; in which case, {in my head} meant “miscarriage”.  However, after all of this, I know how untrue this statement is.  I had absolutely, 100% NO IDEA that I had miscarried.  I was never in pain, I never had {major} bleeding, and most importantly, I still felt pregnant.  I still was feeling nauseous, had sore breasts and honestly, just felt pregnant.  Now I know that sometimes your body just doesn’t respond to a miscarriage {which was the case in my situation}.

The next misconception I had about miscarriages was that you’re usually pretty “safe” after 8 weeks.  Again, after hearing more about other’s situations, I know that miscarriages happening around weeks 8-12 is fairly common. 

Another misconception…miscarriages aren’t that common.  Actually, it happens to 20% {or 1 out of every 5} of pregnancies.  I mean, when you think about it, that’s a fairly common occurrence.  The one thing I didn’t know is if it happens once, the likelihood of you having a miscarriage again is still 20% - you aren’t more/less likely to have a miscarriage again just because you’ve had one. 

What I’ve learned…

I’ve learned that you can’t even begin to understand or know the heartache that comes with having a miscarriage until you’ve actually had one.  It’s harder than I ever imagined and something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone…EVER {um…let me clarify, I never wished this upon anyone prior to having this happen…I’m really not a mean person}.  I know that everyone deals & copes differently, but for me, I learned that I really needed some space and time to sort everything out in my head.  I personally didn’t want to hear anything from anyone – I just wanted to understand things first before hearing what everyone else had to say/think {because everyone always has something to say}.

I learned that I really, really, really want to have a 2nd child.  If you would have asked me prior to us getting pregnant or even right after we found out we were pregnant, I would have told you that I wasn’t quite sure about having a 2nd and how tough of a time I was having knowing that Dafney wouldn’t be my only child any longer.  But, after going through this, I truly realized how much I want a 2nd child.  Not only do I want a 2nd, I realized that you can’t ever be really ready and that now is just as good of time as any. 

Most importantly, I’ve learned that I will get through this.  It may take time and that’s okay, but I will heal emotionally and be better!  As with any loss, there is a grieving period and with time, things will get better and your heart & mind WILL heal.  I’ve learned that it’s okay to grieve and that I shouldn’t feel bad for how I’m feeling nor should I compare myself to others and how they grieved, healed or moved on.

So what’s next…

Obviously I don’t know what the future holds for us and our family, but I’m hopeful that we’ll be blessed with another healthy pregnancy & child.  The one thing that has been lingering in my mind lately is something my Hubby said to me a couple days ago.  He said that his Dad asked if we were going to try again after what we’d just gone through, and my Hubby plain & simply said “I don’t know”.  I think in some respects, he and I might be on different pages when it comes to our situation and where we want to go from here.  I have no doubt in my mind that I want to try again.  Whereas I feel like he’s either not quite there or isn’t totally sure.  Regardless I want us to BOTH be 100% sure about having another child.  I’m not always the most patient person, especially when it’s something I really, REALLY want, but I know deep down that we have to both be ready.  I know that I’ll be ready to start trying {much} sooner than my hubby probably will be and I know that I will have a difficult time with that – but I’ll need to remind myself that “good things come to those who wait”. 

I’m hoping to keep busy with my daughter and even start a cooking class in the near future!  I hope to get back to exercising and keeping myself healthy in preparation for another pregnancy.  I plan to relax, take things one day at a time and enjoy the wonderful gifts in my life.  I will continue to pray for our future and hope it holds another child in our future.  Lastly, I plan to spend some more quality time with my Hubby – I hope we can have monthly date nights {as I mentioned in my V-Day post} and have some much needed time together. 

With all that said, thanks for listening!  I appreciate having this small space on the interwebs to express my thoughts, feelings, rants & raves. 


xoxo

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

♥Valentine’s Recap♥

I’m not overly big into “Hallmark Holiday’s”, but I do think it’s fun to celebrate love.  Truthfully, it’s something we should be doing on a daily basis, but let’s face it, it’s not that easy.  So, it’s sort of fun to celebrate Valentine’s Day!  And, I think in the last couple of years it’s become more fun because I have TWO sweet Valentine’s {no, I’m not cheating on my Hubby} – the Hubby {obvi} and my sweet Dafney!  Clearly she doesn’t quite understand the whole meaning of the Holiday, but it sure is fun to give her extra hugs, kisses, I love yous and even some fun presents!  And, I can't even believe how much she's changed & grown in the last 2 years!



This year I sort of slacked on the decorations & fun cookie making, but thankfully Dafney’s daycare made up for my slacking.  She & her friends made little Valentine’s Day mailboxes – they were SO cute!  But, then again, I love everything pink & red!  Dafney picked out some cute Mickey Mouse Valentine’s cards and pencils for her school friends and then we gave them each some of those cute-sy conversational hearts!  I think I had more fun putting her cards together than she did…does that really shock anyone?



The day before Valentine’s Day, hubby brought me home some beautiful yellow & orange tulips {my FAVE}!  A dozen from him AND a dozen from Dafney…they looked amazing and smelt wonderful, too.  In my sheer excitement, I forgot to snap some pics of them.  It was a fun & unexpected surprise!

For the hubby, I actually made him a Valentine's Day gift.  It was fun to make and I'm excited about what I gave him.  I made him a "date book".  We haven't had much "us" time since, well, Dafney was born, and I wanted to change that.  So I made him a book with 12 dates; one for each month.  Here's what they were:

February - Romantical date night ♥
March - MOVIE date night!!
April - Bowling date night
May - Lunch date
June - Mini Golf date...FORE :)
July - Sports Themed Date...Twins game, Saints game
August - Ice Scream, You Scream, We all Scream for Ice Cream {date}
September - Picnic Date 
October - Rent-A-Movie Date Night {In}
November - Volunteer Together Date
December - Hubby's Birthday, Hubby's {date} Choice
January - Paint the town RED: dinner, drinks & dancing

I thought it was a fun Valentine's Day gift and one that's just for US.

After work, I picked up Dafney like normal and we went home.  She was so excited to look at the Valentine’s she received from her friends.  Her little mailbox was packed full…how fun!  She sat on the couch and took each one out (& surprisingly she knew who each was from…perhaps they looked at them during the day or perhaps she’s just SUPER advanced) and said “wow, look it, mama”.  She was amazed by everything she received.  When the Hubby got home, we gave her our gift.  We had gotten her: a Mickey Mouse V-Day book, Minnie Mouse shirt, stickers, some candy and a Charlie Brown DVD {she’s been obsessed with Charlie Brown lately}.  And, Dafney made  us the cutest hand-printed heart at daycare.  Seriously heart melted.





That evening, my parents generously offered to come over & watch Dafney so we could go out for dinner.  It was a much needed date night for me & the Hubby.  Since it was sort of last minute, we just hit up one of the restaurants in our neighborhood.  It was perfect because there was no wait, good food and even better company!  After dinner, we moseyed on over to the Bakery next door for some dessert and an after dinner drink.  It was a wonderful way to spend Valentine’s Day!




Hope all of you were able to spend the day with your loved ones!  

♥♥♥♥♥

Monday, February 24, 2014

Post D&C and Weekend Things

After a long week, we were really looking forward to the weekend.  Thursday we got a ton of snow…so I was really happy to have stayed home on Thursday with Dafney.  I think I mentally needed the day off anyway. 



Wednesday was the D&C and considering the situation, physically I felt alright afterwards.  It was sort of a blur of a day, which I’m sure is probably not a bad thing.  I went in to the Dr.’s office in the morning to have something done prior to the D&C.  It wasn’t painful, but it was a bit uncomfortable.  Afterwards, I went home and rested for a couple hours until we needed to be at the Hospital.

We left for the Hospital around 10:45am so we could be there at 11:15.  We checked in and they brought us back to the waiting room.  I had so many things going through my head at that time.  I was sad, nervous, anxious, and scared.  When the Nurse called my name, I went back to the pre-op room.  She asked me a ton of questions and then had my Hubby come back so we could meet with the Doctor prior to heading into the OR.  I felt a little better when the Hubby was sitting with me – he kept my mind occupied and helped me relax a bit.  Shortly before heading back to the OR, the Doctor came in to explain the procedure and what to expect afterwards in recovery.  Then the Anesthesiologist came in to explain how the anesthesia worked for this particular procedure.  About 5 minutes after that, they were ready for me.  I remember walking into the room – I started shaking; partly because I was cold and partly because I was ungodly nervous.  They had me lay up on the table and I started to cry.  It was my last moments with Bean; in my head, I said a little prayer for him/her.  The Nurses were asking me a few questions and then they gave me the anesthesia and that’s the last I remember.  I woke up in the recovery room when they took the breathing tube out.  I was pretty out of it and had a hard time keeping my eyes open.  20 minutes or so after “waking up”, the Nurse brought me some ice chips and crackers, which helped to wake me up a bit.  She asked if I was ready to head to the “discharge” room and I said “sure”.  Right as I was getting in the room, my Hubby came in which again was a relief.  He said that the Doctor said everything went well and that the baby was measuring between 10-11 weeks.  Once the Nurse came in to explain the meds, side effects, what-to-expect & to answer questions, we headed out.  It was sad to leave the Hospital under those circumstances. 



I’ve had my ups and downs over the past few days.  At times, I feel really sad and cry {uncontrollably} and other times, I’m really positive and look forward to other things such as warm weather, spending more quality time with Dafney and even a little excitement to try again.  I’ve had some moments when I feel really angry and all I want to do is punch a wall.  Obviously I wouldn’t actually punch a wall, but that angry stage is a tough one. 

I’m still struggling with the fact that I feel like I must have done something wrong.  I continually play back things in my head and wonder what happened.  I will probably never know why this happened, but I think in these kinds of situations, it’s human to want to place blame somewhere.    I hate to be such a downer & I have one more post on this whole situation in the works and then I plan to never speak of this again {well, never say never, I guess}. 

On to happier, more fun things!  Let’s chat about the weekend, shall we?



For whatever reason, I’ve come to realize Mother Nature hates nice weather {or at least what I consider nice weather}.  We got dumped on Thursday night/Friday.  First we got a nice layer of rain/sleet and then we got hit hard with piles and piles of snow.  Awesome.  Plain and simple, I’ve had it with this weather…enough already.  I want warmth, sun and absolutely NO SNOW.  Is that really too much to ask for?  Because of this amazing weather, hubby spent most of his Friday night: shoveling, plowing and pushing cars out of the alley.  So much for a quiet night in.  Actually, by Friday I was so exhausted from the week’s happenings that I was ready for bed by about 6pm.  But, I forced myself to stay up at least until my 2 year old went to bed.



Saturday was a busy day {which was nice to keep my/our mind off everything}.  We took our weekly trip to Target, cleaned the house and spent some major time in the kitchen.  We had Hubby’s sisters & their family’s over on Saturday evening to see the house, play games and hang out.  And boy, was it a much needed FUN night.  We played games, enjoyed LOTS of really tasty food and we even got to show off our new house!  It was a rather late night, but totally worth the exhaustion I felt the next day. 

Sunday I took Dafney to some friends of ours so she could have a playdate with her little friend “E”.  When those two get together they have a great time!  I felt like Dafney was probably picking up a bit on the stress & sadness during the week, so I thought it was perfect to let her play for a couple hours.  Plus, it’s one of my best friends, so it was nice to chat with her. 

Looking forward to a brand new week.  Hoping that we can start the healing process and start to look forward to what’s in store for us & our family.  It will take time, but we will get there.


Happy Monday & for those of us in the ARCTIC, stay warm!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

a heavy heart

I’m not writing this post for sympathy.  I’m not writing this post for advice or to hear your story.  I’m not writing this post for attention.  I’m writing this post to help me get through this tough chapter in our lives & to help us start the healing process.    

Today was supposed to be a happy day.  It was supposed to be a day filled with Joy and full hearts.  It was supposed  to be a day that we could start sharing our good news.  But instead, it’s the exact opposite.  It’s not a happy day.  It’s not a day filled with joy or full hearts.  It’s a day where we’re having to share some sad news. 

Let me back track a second – back on December 31st, we found out a little something.  We found out we were having another baby.  Though it was a bit of a surprise, we welcomed this pregnancy/baby with open LOVING arms!  It was a fun way to start 2014.

I actually felt pretty good those first weeks.  I had bouts of nausea and was definitely more tired than normal, but nothing like my 1st pregnancy.  I definitely craved certain things (yogurt, apples, lemonade {the REAL stuff} and pasta), but surprisingly I didn’t have any aversions to foods.  As we got closer to our first appointment, I was starting to get more & more excited!  Excited to tell our family & friends, excited to start planning for this baby & even excited to meet him/her.  Our first pre-natal appointment was on February 7th – it all started out fairly routine.  I met with a Nurse and she went over everything from dealing with nausea to workout restrictions to medications to stay away from.  All things I somewhat remembered from my first pregnancy and all things great to review.  She gave us our due date {September 6th} and then asked if we wanted to see if we could hear baby’s heartbeat.  Of course, we wanted too – I loved that part with Dafney.  Unfortunately, she was unable to find one.  She figured baby was either hiding somewhere or was just too small yet.  So, she had me schedule an appointment for the 17th to recheck. 

We carried on that following week and I continued to pray all was well with “Bean” {that’s what we were calling baby}.  Monday morning came and I could tell my nerves were all over the place.  I was excited to make sure all was well with bean, but a part of me was really nervous that something could be wrong.  Our appointment was at 9:15am.  It had been snowing pretty heavily for most of the early morning, so we decided to leave extra early to ensure we got there on time.  And, for whatever reason, the roads weren’t that bad and there was NO traffic {say what?!} so we made it to the clinic about 30 minutes early.  And, wouldn’t you know, the Nurse was running behind so we didn’t even get in until close to 9:30.    

The Nurse finally came in and she had me lay down so she could listen for the heartbeat.  Unfortunately, she couldn’t find anything, so she had me wait for Ultrasound.  It was a long 40-45 minute wait to get into the Ultrasound.  I had to go in alone because Dafney was with us and she’s not allowed in the Ultrasound room.  I laid down and the tech found the baby and measured it.  She figured it was about 9 weeks 2 days.  Then she said the worst thing in the world: “Leah, I’m sorry, but I don’t see baby’s heartbeat”.  My heart sank and tears immediately filled my eyes.  I was in shock.  I couldn’t believe what she was actually saying to me.  She explained that this far along in a pregnancy, she should definitely be seeing the heartbeat.  I just laid there looking at bean on the screen thinking, “there’s got to be a mistake”.  She asked me if she should get my hubby and I said “yes”.  He came in (not knowing the news) and I just stood there with tears in my eyes – and he said “so it’s over?”.  I don’t even think I could get any words out…I picked up my daughter and squeezed her.  It was the saddest moment I’ve had in a long, long time.  My heart ached.

The tech brought us to a room while we waited for the Doctor & Nurse to come in to talk with us.  When they came in, I felt like I lost it.  It all became very real to me.  This was it.  The Doctor was so sweet and explained some things to us.  She told us the options for our next steps and said we didn’t need to make any decisions at that time.  But, for me, it was better to make the decisions so I/we could start the healing process. 

The one thing she said that really stuck with me was “this was in no way my fault”.  And, though a part of me really wants to believe her, I really struggle with this.  I can’t help but retrace my steps over the last week.  Did I drink one too many Coke’s?  Did I accidentally have a Green Tea (which if you didn’t know, could be harmful to a fetus)?  Did I eat too much fish (I was craving seafood)?  Did I not get the proper vitamins (I was on a prenatal)?  Did I overdo it somehow?  Was I too stressed, which in turn stressed out bean?  Was I not getting the appropriate nutrients?  What did I do wrong? 

I think tomorrow is really going to be tough as we have the DNC.  I know that baby never was in pain and that there must have been a reason that God took bean, but it certainly doesn’t make the pain & heartache go away.  The one thing this situation has really made me realize is how truly blessed I am.  Even though we’ll never get to meet bean, we were blessed to be able to actually get pregnant (which I know is something that far too many couples struggle with).  And we are beyond blessed to have such a beautiful, funny, sweet little girl.  She is my world and I LOVE her to pieces.  Her sweet hugs & kisses & “I love you’s” were a lifesaver yesterday.  Lastly, I’m blessed to have such a supportive husband.  He’s definitely been the strong one through this and it’s certainly comforting to have him by my side. 


With all this said, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to enjoy a pregnancy like I did with my first, but I will certainly feel blessed if/when we are able to get pregnant again.  This may be a long, tough road ahead, but I know that my husband and I are in this together and we will get through this and be better off than we are today.

I look forward to coming back soon with a more upbeat post, but for today, thank you for letting my get this off my chest.