Dafney Harper

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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

a heavy heart

I’m not writing this post for sympathy.  I’m not writing this post for advice or to hear your story.  I’m not writing this post for attention.  I’m writing this post to help me get through this tough chapter in our lives & to help us start the healing process.    

Today was supposed to be a happy day.  It was supposed to be a day filled with Joy and full hearts.  It was supposed  to be a day that we could start sharing our good news.  But instead, it’s the exact opposite.  It’s not a happy day.  It’s not a day filled with joy or full hearts.  It’s a day where we’re having to share some sad news. 

Let me back track a second – back on December 31st, we found out a little something.  We found out we were having another baby.  Though it was a bit of a surprise, we welcomed this pregnancy/baby with open LOVING arms!  It was a fun way to start 2014.

I actually felt pretty good those first weeks.  I had bouts of nausea and was definitely more tired than normal, but nothing like my 1st pregnancy.  I definitely craved certain things (yogurt, apples, lemonade {the REAL stuff} and pasta), but surprisingly I didn’t have any aversions to foods.  As we got closer to our first appointment, I was starting to get more & more excited!  Excited to tell our family & friends, excited to start planning for this baby & even excited to meet him/her.  Our first pre-natal appointment was on February 7th – it all started out fairly routine.  I met with a Nurse and she went over everything from dealing with nausea to workout restrictions to medications to stay away from.  All things I somewhat remembered from my first pregnancy and all things great to review.  She gave us our due date {September 6th} and then asked if we wanted to see if we could hear baby’s heartbeat.  Of course, we wanted too – I loved that part with Dafney.  Unfortunately, she was unable to find one.  She figured baby was either hiding somewhere or was just too small yet.  So, she had me schedule an appointment for the 17th to recheck. 

We carried on that following week and I continued to pray all was well with “Bean” {that’s what we were calling baby}.  Monday morning came and I could tell my nerves were all over the place.  I was excited to make sure all was well with bean, but a part of me was really nervous that something could be wrong.  Our appointment was at 9:15am.  It had been snowing pretty heavily for most of the early morning, so we decided to leave extra early to ensure we got there on time.  And, for whatever reason, the roads weren’t that bad and there was NO traffic {say what?!} so we made it to the clinic about 30 minutes early.  And, wouldn’t you know, the Nurse was running behind so we didn’t even get in until close to 9:30.    

The Nurse finally came in and she had me lay down so she could listen for the heartbeat.  Unfortunately, she couldn’t find anything, so she had me wait for Ultrasound.  It was a long 40-45 minute wait to get into the Ultrasound.  I had to go in alone because Dafney was with us and she’s not allowed in the Ultrasound room.  I laid down and the tech found the baby and measured it.  She figured it was about 9 weeks 2 days.  Then she said the worst thing in the world: “Leah, I’m sorry, but I don’t see baby’s heartbeat”.  My heart sank and tears immediately filled my eyes.  I was in shock.  I couldn’t believe what she was actually saying to me.  She explained that this far along in a pregnancy, she should definitely be seeing the heartbeat.  I just laid there looking at bean on the screen thinking, “there’s got to be a mistake”.  She asked me if she should get my hubby and I said “yes”.  He came in (not knowing the news) and I just stood there with tears in my eyes – and he said “so it’s over?”.  I don’t even think I could get any words out…I picked up my daughter and squeezed her.  It was the saddest moment I’ve had in a long, long time.  My heart ached.

The tech brought us to a room while we waited for the Doctor & Nurse to come in to talk with us.  When they came in, I felt like I lost it.  It all became very real to me.  This was it.  The Doctor was so sweet and explained some things to us.  She told us the options for our next steps and said we didn’t need to make any decisions at that time.  But, for me, it was better to make the decisions so I/we could start the healing process. 

The one thing she said that really stuck with me was “this was in no way my fault”.  And, though a part of me really wants to believe her, I really struggle with this.  I can’t help but retrace my steps over the last week.  Did I drink one too many Coke’s?  Did I accidentally have a Green Tea (which if you didn’t know, could be harmful to a fetus)?  Did I eat too much fish (I was craving seafood)?  Did I not get the proper vitamins (I was on a prenatal)?  Did I overdo it somehow?  Was I too stressed, which in turn stressed out bean?  Was I not getting the appropriate nutrients?  What did I do wrong? 

I think tomorrow is really going to be tough as we have the DNC.  I know that baby never was in pain and that there must have been a reason that God took bean, but it certainly doesn’t make the pain & heartache go away.  The one thing this situation has really made me realize is how truly blessed I am.  Even though we’ll never get to meet bean, we were blessed to be able to actually get pregnant (which I know is something that far too many couples struggle with).  And we are beyond blessed to have such a beautiful, funny, sweet little girl.  She is my world and I LOVE her to pieces.  Her sweet hugs & kisses & “I love you’s” were a lifesaver yesterday.  Lastly, I’m blessed to have such a supportive husband.  He’s definitely been the strong one through this and it’s certainly comforting to have him by my side. 

With all this said, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to enjoy a pregnancy like I did with my first, but I will certainly feel blessed if/when we are able to get pregnant again.  This may be a long, tough road ahead, but I know that my husband and I are in this together and we will get through this and be better off than we are today.

I look forward to coming back soon with a more upbeat post, but for today, thank you for letting my get this off my chest.

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