Dafney Harper

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Tuesday, February 17, 2015

A Year's Time

It's hard to believe that a year ago, I heard the words: "Leah, I'm sorry, but I don't see baby's heartbeat".

Those words still haunt me.

It was one of the hardest days of my life; one that I think of often and will probably never forget.  And even though a part of me still wonders what life would have been like had our pregnancy/baby been well, over time, I've started to realize that was not in our plan.  
Do I still wonder why it happened to us, yes, all the time.  Have I learned to accept it, yes {to an extent}.  

As I said, it truly was one of the hardest days in my 33 years on Earth.  I cried.  A lot.  I think I felt every emotion imaginable over a short period of time.  I was: sad, confused, angry, scared, anxious, bitter & guilt-ridden.  I tried to be strong, but inside I was crushed.  My heart was broken into tiny bits and I felt strangely alone.  In recent years, I'd known quite a few friends that had miscarriages, but it was never something we spoke about.  And, after it happened to us, I knew it was something I didn't want to talk about either.  I'm not sure why, but talking about it made me angry and I felt really defensive.  What I felt defensive about...I'm really not sure, it was just something I felt.

I think about "bean" often.  I still find myself wondering what it was that I did wrong.  I know this question will never have an answer, but it's one I think of quite frequently.  

But, what I have learned over this past year is that with most things, time really does heal a broken heart.  On that day, my heart was broken into more pieces than I thought possible, but with time, I've learned how to deal and pick up those pieces.  I've allowed my heart to heal and have definitely become stronger because of what happened.

The silver lining to having miscarried "Bean" was that we were able to spend the summer exclusively with Dafney.  We had SO much fun last summer.  We went to festivals, fairs, parks & splash pads.  We took a ton of bike rides, picnic-ed together, had more dance parties than I ever thought was possible and just enjoyed our time as a family of 3.  

However, had you asked me a year ago if there was any sort of "silver lining" affiliated with our miscarriage, I would have snapped at you and said no.  I was blind to anything positive coming out of our situation.  But I can say with confidence, I'm thankful for the extra time I had with Dafney & wouldn't give it back for anything.

Though I was beyond happy to have the summer to spend with Dafney, we were SO lucky to find out in August that we were expecting.  Talk about perfect timing!  

Naturally, I was extra nervous with this pregnancy, but we've been blessed that things have been going well thus far.  We have less than 9 weeks until our family of 3 turns into a family of FOUR. Eeek!   We're semi-ready.  We have most of what we need for a newborn, but the big thing we need to do is get Dafney a big girl bed so we can put the baby's room together.  

It's crazy how much life can change in a year.  It was a year with drastic ups & downs, but in the end, I know that this was our plan all along.  I may never know why things happened the way they did, but I'm a firm believer that all things happen for a reason.

- In Memory of "bean"

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