Post D&C and Weekend Things

After a long week, we were really looking forward to the weekend.  Thursday we got a ton of snow…so I was really happy to have stayed home on Thursday with Dafney.  I think I mentally needed the day off anyway. 

Wednesday was the D&C and considering the situation, physically I felt alright afterwards.  It was sort of a blur of a day, which I’m sure is probably not a bad thing.  I went in to the Dr.’s office in the morning to have something done prior to the D&C.  It wasn’t painful, but it was a bit uncomfortable.  Afterwards, I went home and rested for a couple hours until we needed to be at the Hospital.

We left for the Hospital around 10:45am so we could be there at 11:15.  We checked in and they brought us back to the waiting room.  I had so many things going through my head at that time.  I was sad, nervous, anxious, and scared.  When the Nurse called my name, I went back to the pre-op room.  She asked me a ton of questions and then had my Hubby come back so we could meet with the Doctor prior to heading into the OR.  I felt a little better when the Hubby was sitting with me – he kept my mind occupied and helped me relax a bit.  Shortly before heading back to the OR, the Doctor came in to explain the procedure and what to expect afterwards in recovery.  Then the Anesthesiologist came in to explain how the anesthesia worked for this particular procedure.  About 5 minutes after that, they were ready for me.  I remember walking into the room – I started shaking; partly because I was cold and partly because I was ungodly nervous.  They had me lay up on the table and I started to cry.  It was my last moments with Bean; in my head, I said a little prayer for him/her.  The Nurses were asking me a few questions and then they gave me the anesthesia and that’s the last I remember.  I woke up in the recovery room when they took the breathing tube out.  I was pretty out of it and had a hard time keeping my eyes open.  20 minutes or so after “waking up”, the Nurse brought me some ice chips and crackers, which helped to wake me up a bit.  She asked if I was ready to head to the “discharge” room and I said “sure”.  Right as I was getting in the room, my Hubby came in which again was a relief.  He said that the Doctor said everything went well and that the baby was measuring between 10-11 weeks.  Once the Nurse came in to explain the meds, side effects, what-to-expect & to answer questions, we headed out.  It was sad to leave the Hospital under those circumstances. 

I’ve had my ups and downs over the past few days.  At times, I feel really sad and cry {uncontrollably} and other times, I’m really positive and look forward to other things such as warm weather, spending more quality time with Dafney and even a little excitement to try again.  I’ve had some moments when I feel really angry and all I want to do is punch a wall.  Obviously I wouldn’t actually punch a wall, but that angry stage is a tough one. 

I’m still struggling with the fact that I feel like I must have done something wrong.  I continually play back things in my head and wonder what happened.  I will probably never know why this happened, but I think in these kinds of situations, it’s human to want to place blame somewhere.    I hate to be such a downer & I have one more post on this whole situation in the works and then I plan to never speak of this again {well, never say never, I guess}. 

On to happier, more fun things!  Let’s chat about the weekend, shall we?

For whatever reason, I’ve come to realize Mother Nature hates nice weather {or at least what I consider nice weather}.  We got dumped on Thursday night/Friday.  First we got a nice layer of rain/sleet and then we got hit hard with piles and piles of snow.  Awesome.  Plain and simple, I’ve had it with this weather…enough already.  I want warmth, sun and absolutely NO SNOW.  Is that really too much to ask for?  Because of this amazing weather, hubby spent most of his Friday night: shoveling, plowing and pushing cars out of the alley.  So much for a quiet night in.  Actually, by Friday I was so exhausted from the week’s happenings that I was ready for bed by about 6pm.  But, I forced myself to stay up at least until my 2 year old went to bed.

Saturday was a busy day {which was nice to keep my/our mind off everything}.  We took our weekly trip to Target, cleaned the house and spent some major time in the kitchen.  We had Hubby’s sisters & their family’s over on Saturday evening to see the house, play games and hang out.  And boy, was it a much needed FUN night.  We played games, enjoyed LOTS of really tasty food and we even got to show off our new house!  It was a rather late night, but totally worth the exhaustion I felt the next day. 

Sunday I took Dafney to some friends of ours so she could have a playdate with her little friend “E”.  When those two get together they have a great time!  I felt like Dafney was probably picking up a bit on the stress & sadness during the week, so I thought it was perfect to let her play for a couple hours.  Plus, it’s one of my best friends, so it was nice to chat with her. 

Looking forward to a brand new week.  Hoping that we can start the healing process and start to look forward to what’s in store for us & our family.  It will take time, but we will get there.

Happy Monday & for those of us in the ARCTIC, stay warm!

a heavy heart

I’m not writing this post for sympathy.  I’m not writing this post for advice or to hear your story.  I’m not writing this post for attention.  I’m writing this post to help me get through this tough chapter in our lives & to help us start the healing process.    

Today was supposed to be a happy day.  It was supposed to be a day filled with Joy and full hearts.  It was supposed  to be a day that we could start sharing our good news.  But instead, it’s the exact opposite.  It’s not a happy day.  It’s not a day filled with joy or full hearts.  It’s a day where we’re having to share some sad news. 

Let me back track a second – back on December 31^st, we found out a little something.  We found out we were having another baby.  Though it was a bit of a surprise, we welcomed this pregnancy/baby with open LOVING arms!  It was a fun way to start 2014.

I actually felt pretty good those first weeks.  I had bouts of nausea and was definitely more tired than normal, but nothing like my 1^st pregnancy.  I definitely craved certain things (yogurt, apples, lemonade {the REAL stuff} and pasta), but surprisingly I didn’t have any aversions to foods.  As we got closer to our first appointment, I was starting to get more & more excited!  Excited to tell our family & friends, excited to start planning for this baby & even excited to meet him/her.  Our first pre-natal appointment was on February 7^th – it all started out fairly routine.  I met with a Nurse and she went over everything from dealing with nausea to workout restrictions to medications to stay away from.  All things I somewhat remembered from my first pregnancy and all things great to review.  She gave us our due date {September 6^th} and then asked if we wanted to see if we could hear baby’s heartbeat.  Of course, we wanted too – I loved that part with Dafney.  Unfortunately, she was unable to find one.  She figured baby was either hiding somewhere or was just too small yet.  So, she had me schedule an appointment for the 17^th to recheck. 

We carried on that following week and I continued to pray all was well with “Bean” {that’s what we were calling baby}.  Monday morning came and I could tell my nerves were all over the place.  I was excited to make sure all was well with bean, but a part of me was really nervous that something could be wrong.  Our appointment was at 9:15am.  It had been snowing pretty heavily for most of the early morning, so we decided to leave extra early to ensure we got there on time.  And, for whatever reason, the roads weren’t that bad and there was NO traffic {say what?!} so we made it to the clinic about 30 minutes early.  And, wouldn’t you know, the Nurse was running behind so we didn’t even get in until close to 9:30.    

The Nurse finally came in and she had me lay down so she could listen for the heartbeat.  Unfortunately, she couldn’t find anything, so she had me wait for Ultrasound.  It was a long 40-45 minute wait to get into the Ultrasound.  I had to go in alone because Dafney was with us and she’s not allowed in the Ultrasound room.  I laid down and the tech found the baby and measured it.  She figured it was about 9 weeks 2 days.  Then she said the worst thing in the world: “Leah, I’m sorry, but I don’t see baby’s heartbeat”.  My heart sank and tears immediately filled my eyes.  I was in shock.  I couldn’t believe what she was actually saying to me.  She explained that this far along in a pregnancy, she should definitely be seeing the heartbeat.  I just laid there looking at bean on the screen thinking, “there’s got to be a mistake”.  She asked me if she should get my hubby and I said “yes”.  He came in (not knowing the news) and I just stood there with tears in my eyes – and he said “so it’s over?”.  I don’t even think I could get any words out…I picked up my daughter and squeezed her.  It was the saddest moment I’ve had in a long, long time.  My heart ached.

The tech brought us to a room while we waited for the Doctor & Nurse to come in to talk with us.  When they came in, I felt like I lost it.  It all became very real to me.  This was it.  The Doctor was so sweet and explained some things to us.  She told us the options for our next steps and said we didn’t need to make any decisions at that time.  But, for me, it was better to make the decisions so I/we could start the healing process. 

The one thing she said that really stuck with me was “this was in no way my fault”.  And, though a part of me really wants to believe her, I really struggle with this.  I can’t help but retrace my steps over the last week.  Did I drink one too many Coke’s?  Did I accidentally have a Green Tea (which if you didn’t know, could be harmful to a fetus)?  Did I eat too much fish (I was craving seafood)?  Did I not get the proper vitamins (I was on a prenatal)?  Did I overdo it somehow?  Was I too stressed, which in turn stressed out bean?  Was I not getting the appropriate nutrients?  What did I do wrong? 

I think tomorrow is really going to be tough as we have the DNC.  I know that baby never was in pain and that there must have been a reason that God took bean, but it certainly doesn’t make the pain & heartache go away.  The one thing this situation has really made me realize is how truly blessed I am.  Even though we’ll never get to meet bean, we were blessed to be able to actually get pregnant (which I know is something that far too many couples struggle with).  And we are beyond blessed to have such a beautiful, funny, sweet little girl.  She is my world and I LOVE her to pieces.  Her sweet hugs & kisses & “I love you’s” were a lifesaver yesterday.  Lastly, I’m blessed to have such a supportive husband.  He’s definitely been the strong one through this and it’s certainly comforting to have him by my side. 

With all this said, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to enjoy a pregnancy like I did with my first, but I will certainly feel blessed if/when we are able to get pregnant again.  This may be a long, tough road ahead, but I know that my husband and I are in this together and we will get through this and be better off than we are today.

I look forward to coming back soon with a more upbeat post, but for today, thank you for letting my get this off my chest.

19 days!

It is hard to believe that our new home is almost finished.  Though we’ve had to make some changes, sacrifices and create a new normal over the past 5 months, they haven’t been that bad.  In fact, I’m going to miss seeing my parents every day.  Probably not as much as Dafney will miss them, but it will be a bit sad. 

We received the email yesterday stating that our final closing will be January 29^th!  Holy moly…that’s in less than 3 weeks.  Seriously, so excited!  There’s hardly anything left to be done in the house.  It’s pretty amazing how fast a house can be built.  And to think, it all started looking like this {9/12/13}:

 Here’s some pictures showing the progress week by week. 

*Note - I did a horrible job of documenting each week's progress, so this is just my best guess of how things went :)

Week 1 - otherwise known as Demo Day/Week!  I bet it would have been fun to watch the demolition of the house...stupid work always getting in the way :)

I might have been a teeny-tiny bit sad that the house was gone, but I got over...really fast!  It was so exciting to see the whole process start.  

Week 2/3 - {pictures taken 10/6/13} What was remaining of the house is all gone.  And, the start of a new foundation!  Wow, look at how deep the hole is!

Week 4/5 - {all pictures taken 10/14/13} More digging and a brand new foundation!  

Week 4/5 - Let the framing begin!  I can't believe how fast the builders were able to frame in the house. 

Picture taken 10/17/13

More framing...

Picture taken 10/19/13

...and even more framing {pictures taken 10/28/13}:

The next week{s}...{I'm not quite sure what week this actually was done, but photos were taken 11/1/13} - We got inside to see some of the inside progress!  

A view from our dining room window.

A view from the loft/playroom window.

A view from Dafney's bedroom.

Dafney in her closet.

Dafney's bedroom.

Next week{s} - {photo taken 11/5/13} Raise the ROOF!  We have a roof and windows!

Next week{s} - {photos taken 11/18/13}  These photos were taken inside.  The insulation has started...yeah!  And, they've continued the framing inside.  It's starting to look more like a house on the inside, too.

A view from the floor of the Master Bedroom into the Master Bathroom & Closet.

The loft.

View from the upstairs to the main level.

Main level - TV/Family room.

Next Week{s} {photos taken 12/8/13} - In goes the hardwood floors!  They look better than I imagined {unfortunately, these pictures aren't that clear}.

Next week{s} {photos taken 12/15/13} - The cabinets are in and they look fabulous!  Now the kitchen looks like a real kitchen!  MIND BLOWN!  Also, the bathrooms are starting to look great as well.  Tile is in as well as upstairs bathtub!

Back door entry way/mudroom.

Master Bathroom Shower.

KITCHEN!!!

We have a railing :)

Upstairs Main Bathroom

Next week{s} {pictures taken 12/27/13}  Our appliances were delivered and our bathrooms sinks are now in.  

Someone is going to LOVE looking out these HUGE windows!

A view of the main level from the stairs.

Master bathroom.

Upstairs Main bathroom.

Appliances!

Next week{s} {pictures taken 1/2/14} - Kitchen sink is in as well as our countertops.  Oh my...I am in love with our island!!

...stay tuned for the completely finished product! 19 days until we close {not that I'm counting or anything}!

Happy 2014!

Happy New Year!  Can you believe we’re already 7 days into 2014?!  So far, so good!  I know that a New Year tends to bring {lofty} resolutions…you know the kind: lose 70 pounds, workout at the gym for 2 hours every day, save {crazy amounts of} money…and while I’m sure there are some people that can actually follow through with these resolutions, I’m definitely not one of them.  Yes, I’m the girl that signs up for a gym membership in January and by the 3^rd week of January I’m in line to cancel the membership because I’m “over the gym”. 

With that said, I DO think it’s great to have goals both short AND long term.  And, that’s what I’ve been thinking about a lot lately: my 2014 short/long term goals.  I tried to make goals that were not only important to me, but also attainable.  There’s no sense in making a goal that just can’t happen, right?!  I also figured if I shared them with the blog-o-sphere, I’d be held more accountable, which would help ensure that I follow through and work hard at the goals I’ve set. 

Short-term Goals (in no particular order…I think these all have great importance):

Blog more often.  I often use the “I don’t have any time” excuse when it comes to blogging {and other things, too}.  But, blogging reminds me how much I LOVE to write and is relaxing to me.  Right now, I’m only blogging 3-4 times a month…and that needs to change.  I want to write/blog more.  I’d love to blog 3-4 times a week, but I think an attainable goal is to blog 2 times a week. You're welcome :)

Eat healthier.  Yes, this can be a lofty goal, but now that I have a child, eating healthier is definitely on my list of priorities.  Unfortunately, since we’ve been living with my parents, the healthy foods have not been seen much on our plates.  Now, that’s not to say we eat junk food…we definitely don’t.  But, we don’t eat the fresh veggies & fruits like I’d want.  Once we’re back to our own house, I’ll be able to better control our grocery’s and daily meals.  This includes healthier snacks as well as healthier meals. 

Get back into reading.  I’ve always loved books and do enjoy reading.  And, with a child, we do read…a lot, just not the kind of books I like to read.  Though, I do love me a good Elmo book now and then!  I have a long list of books that I’m dying to read.  Once we’re back to the house, I’ll be taking FULL advantage of our remodeled library.   

Spend less time in front of the TV and more time with my family!  Okay, so my hubby and I don’t tend to watch a ton of TV; though, we do have the shows we have to see, but we try to watch TV once Dafney is in bed.  But, I’d love to cut down the random TV watching that we tend to do {especially during the winter months}.  I want to take that time and spend it doing something fun with Dafney.  It will also help once our daily commute is cut down by almost an hour. 

 Long-term Goals {again, in no particular order}

Start or morph this blog into more of a foodie type blog.  I just adore food blogs and would LOVE to have one of my very own.  I really enjoy cooking and baking and would love to start creating some of my own tasty, healthy recipes.  I may need to take a couple food classes, though J  I’m totally envious of all of the amazing food blogs out there in the blog-o-sphere and HOPE that someday I’ll have my very own.

Be more organized in every aspect of life.  Everything from meal planning to organizing our pictures.  I feel so disorganized lately.  I want to be able to organize our photos, organize Dafney’s baby book {…yes, she’s 2}, organize our weekly meals, organize our home better, organize our files and more importantly, keep things organized. 

As much as this contradicts “spending more time with family” as I mentioned above, I would like to take an hour each week of “me’ time.  Time for me to spend in the kitchen, time for me to read, time for me to exercise, time for me to blog, time for me to do absolutely nothing!  It sounds glorious.  After having Dafney any ounce of “me” time was long gone.  I mean, I can’t even use the bathroom by myself any more.  I would love to have 60 whole minutes to do whatever I want to do.  I know for me this will be extremely hard.  I have a hard time carving out time to do the things that are important to me, but I know that it’s necessary.  I truly believe everyone needs and deserves a little “me” now and then.

Remember important dates.  You know, like birthday's and anniversary's.  I have a crazy good memory for birthday's and special dates in general, but this year, I want to really remember these special occasions for my family & friends.  At the very least, I want to call people on their special days.  But, ultimately, my goal is to send a card and if I'm really ORGANIZED, I want to send friends home-made gifts this year...cookies, bars, granola, etc.!  In fact, I started the year off right & just sent 2 friends some home-made goodies for their birthday's :)

So there you have it…my 2014 goals!  I hope to update about how each are going throughout the year.  

Here’s to a happy, HEALTHY, wonderful {exciting} NEW YEAR!